im 17 and young. i frown most of the time. im not any famous girl to bitch about.

I never knew 2010 was going to be a shit for me. I remebered celebrating countdown with my girls. It didnt go as plan anw. Oh yeah, probably that was a sign for me that 2010 was not gonna be a good year.
This year, theres alot of shit happen in many ways. From family and friends to school and studies to jobs and even my lovelife.
All these happen together to me in a year.

I know family is where i always depend on. I cant blame if shits happen cause its fate. I mean theres always ups and down in something. So whenever we fight, of course things get back together. Its normal if mum and dad fights verbally or syira and sarah fights physically and me end up being the middle person like a messenger to get the latest update of which member of the family is doing and tell it to their opponent whom they fight with. Yes, its always me. Bahan of the family. Its okay. Im used to it. The shit that happen this year was to have my Nenek around. Of all, its this year. A year im taking my major examination. Im bad? Im rude? Think again.
The reason i hate it when Nenek comes is she change the whole house from a cosy to a kampung style. I dont feel theres anything left for me to feel like its home. She smoke around the house-anywhere-living room, bedroom, toilet and even the kitchen while shes cooking! Another thing is Nenek have hearing problems. So whenever we want to talk to her, we have to "raise" our voice in order she could hear. This irritates me ALOT. I was once accuse for being rude or treating Nenek badly that this particular news was spread fast to my relatives. Thanks alot eh. Only god will know what truly happens. Why is Nenek around? All thanks to Kakak. If baby iya was not born, Nenek wouldnt be around to babysit her. Nenek does stay and leave other relatives house too. Usually the maximum is ONE month. But how long did Nenek stay my house this year? FIVE months. And non of my relatives come to volunteer for a stay at their place even after Nenek complain about living with my family. Nenek loves to fill in the dining table with food like biscuits, tea, her kopi and ciggs. Now tell me where the hell do i have my space? I always use the dining table to do my work. Everybody in the house does. Theres no other study table for me that i chose to go out and do my revision. The attempt i made wasnt really successful. Why? First, there will be like curfew gg on. Second, parents dont trust me studying outside. Third, i wont really have the full concentration to study. I have friends who will go, "Pool pah?" and we will stop study to play pool. Hehe. Parents have never been supportive. They dont put words like, "Its okay, try harder." instead they will go, "You always go out to study but these are the results you gave!" or "If you dont pass your O, you better be prepared!" All these words just hurt me too much. I wonder why they love pressuring me. For what mum had done by bringing Nenek over and scolded me for being rude to Nenek, I took a revenge by hurting her feelings. I gave up on my studies and showed the results to her. It was successful in making mum hurt. Cause dad told me that mum said she was so disappointed with my results. I know it was kinda childish for doing that but i couldnt take it whenever mum thinks shes always right! To sum these up, I wish Nenek wasnt around and things could have been slighly better.


I wonder if i would say about the next topic-friends. I remembered Mr Zainuddin once said in class, "You guys should work and help each other. To be honest, i see you guys grow and bond together compared to other batch.". I knew he have faith that we all gonna do well for our O since our N proves that almost 100% get promoted. But i dont think so this year works. Many conflicts happen around. Everyone mixes around with different people and we look like we're divided into groups. No longer in one. Btw, cause my parents were being so strict with me gg out, i felt left out from friends. Cause sometimes whenever theres an outing, i wont be invited probably some ppl just wont make an effort to do so? Or maybe because they used to have the idea that even if they asked, i wont be able to go. I just wish people make an effort despite knowing that i been controlled by parents.


Oh yeah, school. I did my last performance for the school which is 10th year anniversary. Malay Dance, i miss it soo much. I was the oldest in the club for this year and it was so sad to had my last performance. I leave my passion for studies. Haiya. No choice. I hate Mdm Haslina for this year. Of all, she left the school, she left us.
She has been the best Maths teacher ever which i never failed my maths during sec four. And it proves that she made the whole batch of sec four (2009) to pass their N level maths! And now for O level, shes gone. Forever. And what happen to my maths? Drop. Awfully drop. I fail. Even if i tried so hard, ntg works. I hate school in 2010. Theres ntg special. How i wish i had garaduate last year with the good feeling i had and memories around. I bet ntg sweet or memorable to think of the school. Be it cca, any event that was happening or even friends.


I knew 2010 gonna be a "Study Year" for me. I had to sacrifice alot for it. I quit my job, Cotton On. How sad i am to leave such fun and high pay job. But i had to. Cause it proves to me that i didnt attend detention class and not even hand in my eng homework. Even until friends advice me to quit. Oh yeah talking about work, since O ended, i decided to find a job. I didnt go back to Cotton On cause i heard theres too many people workin fr it and the working hours will be little. Therefore, i decided to try something new. I couldnt stand rotting at home cause Nenek is around. It kills me to death to wake up early in the morning to serve her needs like buying things at minimart or turning on the tv. I was desperate for a job until i got one, Accessorize. I admire the shop with the items that they sold but sadly the job didnt seem happening as what i expected. I didnt get the boutique but got a department store in a metro shop. How pathetic is that? Metro? Kimaaaaak. Firstly, Metro disgust me. Secondly, i also have to FOLLOW Metro rules, procedures and even the security. Oh yeah, one of the rules was to wear lipstick. Lipstick?! Omg. That is the last thing i would think of putting on. I only wear them for events. Oh goddd. And lastly, Accessorize control you like fuck. I applied for temporary and they put me in FULL TIME. 6 days of works, weekends is a MUST to work. How fuck is that?! Other than that, i just dont love my job. It sucks. Im not enjoying it. Fullstop. Oh well, im quiting already. Pheww.

Things doesnt go as i plan. Well, of course, god plan our life. A lot of things happens in my life emotionally. With the fights happenning at home, whatever happen with friends and what hurts most, my lovelife. I never knew things would end up so fast. The way i ended up my love this year didnt really have a reason to it. Maybe i wasnt being a good girlfriend? Maybe i suck in a relationship? But i was happy being single back. I have less things to think or worry of. But i hate the fact to admit that i was getting worse? Eversince i broke up, i started smoking back. I was being much sinful eversince. I started to realise these when my older ex came and met me. He saw changes in me. When he told me i was a better person in 08, it put a great impact. He wanted us to be together back but i cant accept any of my ex cause i know things wont work or be the same. I knew his intentions was to take care of me but all these kinda things are too early for me. Since i lost contact, i didnt really give a thought about what he said. Well, i lead my own life. I just wanted to be single. It makes me happy. Theres nothing to worry or any heartpains and tears. Worse of all, i wanna control the sins ive made. It was a mistake when i started dating someone. It was a big mistake. It was too good for me. I knew someday i would change, but not now. I wanna enjoy life. I know where my limits are. Even if i was gg to have a man in my life, i need a person who can protect me. I need them to know how to defend themselves before defending me. I have to admit i was a heartbreaker this year. I have my own reasons. I had to let go of the person before worse things could happen.

I bet this is the longest post i had so far in my blog. All shits, nothing memorable. Goodbye 2010. I hope 2011 would be better! Amin.